if God let me judge my salvation, i'd send myself to...

i want that perfect walk
always doing what is right
always honoring Christ
its impossible
i always fall short
i struggle with that unforgiveness
God never said we had to forgive ourselves; so when i fail, there's nothing but unforgiveness for myself
no such thing as grace for myself.

i really don't apply this perfectionism to any other area of my life.
i slack at work, in my friendships, and other things i try my hand at.
but i want that perfect walk.
how else will He let me in?
it's all based on His grace, but i still can't shake that perfectionism.
i live like the law still applies. maybe i should be a messianic jew.
sacrifice doesnt get me into heaven but i still try.
religiously waking up to have devotion doesnt get me into heaven.
sinless streaking doesnt get me into heaven.
perfectionism doesnt get me into heaven.

nothing in my life is perfect.
my health is shaky, physically emotionally mentally.
everyone in my family is broken and we all have crappy relationships with our siblings.
i fail so much because i set up high standards for myself.
eventually you get sick of failure and you want to succeed. every time.
brokenness and failure from not being perfect! amen, eh?

how can you unlearn that which is ingrained into your being?
"perfection" on my own is that failure walk.
failure but relying on His grace is that perfect walk.