i'm no leader, i'm just a mess

grace - or God's unmerited favor/blessing because of belief in Jesus Christ - used to be so elusive in my life. i never thought God would bless me - i felt like i didn't deserve His blessing because i was a mess. i would try to get so holy and pure before God so that He would see i was a good little boy and thus bless me.
like when i liked this one chick, i would pray to God all respectful because that was His daughter and i was trying to holler. ha, yeah right, like i was a gentleman back then. God knew my heart and saw through my act.
i always tried to relate to God on the basis of my righteousness. like if i was good enough, if i prayed enough, if i attended church and bible study, if i fasted.... God would bless me! ha, yeah right, like works get us into Heaven! no way, maaaaaaaaan that's not the way it works:
God blesses us because He chooses to and there is no good deed or "work" we can do to earn MORE blessings (i guess the same is true about being blessed less) - it's all up to Him and its not performance-related.
last night i came to this realization: if God gave me the greatest blessing ever - eternal life in Christ Jesus - when i was a trainwreck and a rank sinner, why would He not want to bless me when i am trying to follow Him and He loves me? (see Romans 5!!!).
therefore my conclusion is although i am a mess and hurt those who love me so often, God is going to bless me whether i deserve it or not. and since now i try to follow Him, i know He will hook it up with awesomeness in the spiritual blessing realm. the same is true for you!

all this hit me like a train of bricks! grace... no longer elusive, exclusive, endangered... but real and tangible.