| believe |

if God let me judge my salvation, i'd send myself to...

2008-12-02T20:37:00.003-05:00

i want that perfect walk
always doing what is right
always honoring Christ
its impossible
i always fall short
i struggle with that unforgiveness
God never said we had to forgive ourselves; so when i fail, there's nothing but unforgiveness for myself
no such thing as grace for myself.

i really don't apply this perfectionism to any other area of my life.
i slack at work, in my friendships, and other things i try my hand at.
but i want that perfect walk.
how else will He let me in?
it's all based on His grace, but i still can't shake that perfectionism.
i live like the law still applies. maybe i should be a messianic jew.
sacrifice doesnt get me into heaven but i still try.
religiously waking up to have devotion doesnt get me into heaven.
sinless streaking doesnt get me into heaven.
perfectionism doesnt get me into heaven.

nothing in my life is perfect.
my health is shaky, physically emotionally mentally.
everyone in my family is broken and we all have crappy relationships with our siblings.
i fail so much because i set up high standards for myself.
eventually you get sick of failure and you want to succeed. every time.
brokenness and failure from not being perfect! amen, eh?

how can you unlearn that which is ingrained into your being?
"perfection" on my own is that failure walk.
failure but relying on His grace is that perfect walk.

new thoughts on jeremiah 29:11

2008-11-19T18:16:00.002-05:00

so today i called my two favorite pastors, pastors chuck smith and don stewart on pastor's perspective (888-564-6173) to ask them about jeremiah 29:11. they sort of refuted my argument that it no longer applies since God spoke it to Israelites being exiled into slavery.

pastor chuck (!!!), my boy, answered that its the basic principle - that God has good thoughts towards us - still applies. don stewart said that God is our lawyer, He defends us, loves us, has good thoughts towards us, and Jesus is our Good Shepherd. i definitely agree with them.

so i guess now i will tryyyy to believe that God wants good for my life.

now, if i could just wrap my heart around the truth that God loves me, i'd be alllllll set...

emilio "chick" dede

2008-11-17T05:59:00.001-05:00

today is sort of a checkpoint in my life.

on november 17, 1996 my grandfather died.

his name was emilio but for some strange reason, he was nicknamed "chick".

anyways my mother's father and mother both died before i was born.

my father's mother died 3 months after i was born, so i do not remember her.

but the only grandparent i remember is chick.

chick almost died of the scarlet fever as an infant.
they had an infant casket picked out for him.
he lived to be 91 years old.

he lived in brooklyn, in the house my great-grandfather built upon immigrating from italy.

my dad grew up in that house too.

i know that he was a huge brooklyn dodgers fan and a huge new york (football) giants fan.

most of my childhood, he was somewhat heartbroken and senile.

his wife of like 40 years had died right after i was born.

he kind of lost it after that.

my favorite chick story happened before i was born.
he used to feed neighborhood cats.
like 20 of them.
my grandmother was ready to leave him because he loved the cats so much.
so my parents got all 20 cats into the trunk of their car.
and left the cats somewhere.
but my grandmother was so mad because my grandfather would take care of all the cats by feeding them.
and if the cats were sick, he would put... vick's vapor rub on their throats.
classic.

i remember he stayed over for one christmas and we all woke up because something was burning in the middle of the night. apparently, he was cold so he was heating up his underwear in the stove. (at this point though he was like in his late 80s.)

so it's been 12 years since someone i really loved or cared about died.
actually scratch that.
i was so pressed about going on a date with my girlfriend in 7th grade that i was pissed my grandfather's death ruined that.
and i wasn't upset that he died.
until...
until the pallbearers were carrying him out of the church and i broke down uncontrollably.
could. not. stop. crying.

i was 12 when he died.
12 years have past.
i'm 24 now.

"chick" is still the greatest nickname ever.

why i hate jeremiah 29:11

2008-11-16T01:12:00.003-05:00

today i came to the realization that i do not really believe God wants good things for my life.
i think God wants me to suffer.
like i hate flying and i do not want to die in a plane crash.
but i feel that because i don't want to die that way, well i will fly one day and that is how God will take my life just because i do not want to die that way.
i really just don't see how God wants me to be joyful in this life.
even though the Bible clearly speaks of joy in this life.
i just don't think i deserve any good thing.
and God promises good things, granted in Jeremiah 29:11, He was telling the Jews who were being exiled into slavery that this was for a good purpose.
taken out of context though, as is the hot thing these days, i just don't believe He really has good for my life.
i can believe it for other people's life.
just not mine.
maybe this is why i hate that verse so much and try to refute that it is still applicable today.

-----
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11 (NKJV)

gimme some pain, something, i do need to grow

2008-11-10T21:55:00.003-05:00

whatever it takes by whatever it takes
moment by moment
minute by minute
hour by hour
day by day
week by week
month by month
whatever it takes by whatever it takes

grind this out, moment by moment
encourage and be encouraged, minute by minute
heal past the rawness and vulnerability, day by day
growth and responsibility, hour by hour
receive and give, week by week
my life is no longer my own, month by month
we'll get it done, whatever it takes by whatever it takes
no matter how we get there, God will be with us
no matter how long it takes.
face the future.
and press on in Christ.

pride & humility

2008-11-04T17:33:00.003-05:00

pride, not the most attractive of qualities
realization i attempt to always be the center
always with the me, me, me
wasting this heart on self
uplifting the humble, warring against the proud is the way the LORD rolls

puff, puff, past

2008-11-03T09:56:00.002-05:00

i found this old notebook that i had used when i was reading "a purpose driven life" back in june '05.
some issues i wrote about got resolved.
some issues are still unresolved.
some things are still a struggle.
some things never change, some things always stay the same.
God is spectacular and its awesome to see how much He has matured me in certain areas. but then again, in some areas i have taken steps backwards concerning faith. either that or i was lying to myself.
it was interesting to see what my views on life were 3.5 years ago compared to what they are now.

Jesus-powers

2008-10-28T13:00:00.003-05:00

Philippians 2 says Jesus emptied Himself of His Jesus-powers (or divine powers, or what God can do) and became like a man... therefore He did all His miracles through the power of the Holy Spirit
but that confuses me!
How did He get the waves to quiet?
Or tell the woman @ the well that she had had 5 husbands?
or better yet: how did He die for our sins if He didn't have His Jesus-powers?
d oes that mean i can accomplish these things? can i die for people's sins?
NO
i think the thing is that Jesus + sinless + Holy Spirit = Jesus' miracles/death/resurrection

whereas we are:
flesh + sin = failure

and then after salvation:
redeemed + sin still within us + Holy Spirit = the will of God

when it boils down to it, we wont be able to do certain things Jesus did because our bodies are corrupted with sin.
its tough because it does "dumb" down Jesus to an extent and makes Him less of a God, more of a man.
right now i am trying to understand Christology and who the person of Jesus is.
but i trust in Christ because He is God and man all divine... whereas i don't trust in man because prophets/apostles are men led by God.
there's another key i am missing to understand this whole Jesus without the Jesus-powers

Jesus! without the Jesus powers! was able to die for our sins... :::scratches head:::

i'm in rebellion...

2008-10-25T22:42:00.002-05:00

highlights from lynchburg, va trip w/ joe "big papas fritas" khalil:

-saw a guy taking a piss on the jersey wall on i-66 during rush hour, bumper to bumper traffic. he was driving a bmw convertible, i guess when you are rich you can do things like that. seriously who takes a piss on the left shoulder of a major interstate during rush hour?
-constant bumping of lecrae, trip lee, flame, sho baraka on the way down
-met up with your boy dwaine "waine" brown
-went to this haunted house... def could have been better. best room was mad big, all dark, one lit up alienface. i was like madddddd boring, why is this room so big. and then all of a sudden BOOM and theres like 10 people all around you wearing masks. it gave joe nightmares... oh and we waited for some high school kids who were behind us to hear their reactions and they were like "oh lets hurry up this room sucks" and then BOOM! and they all screamed. i've never laughed so hard in my life.
-6:30am continental breakfast then slept till 10am
-ate lunch at sonic! america's drive-in! soniiiiiiiiic!!!!
-saw the museum of the late rev. jerry falwell
-falwell is basically worshipped in lynchburg and built the whole town up
-all southern, conservative, christian girls look the same
-went to liberty flames football game
-continue bumping of lecrae and trip lee on the way home
-ate at chipotle two days in a row. in the six years i've known of chipotle, i've never eaten there more than once in a week. i feel like a glutton... this is not helping the lose weight cause.

ernest scared stupid

2008-10-24T10:32:00.001-05:00

is probably my favorite halloween movie. the theme song is incredible. i mean, all the ernest movies were good.

gas money

2008-10-21T22:12:00.001-05:00

i remember when we were 17/18 years old and i would hit up peeps for gas money and was hit up for gas money in return. now that we are "adults" why does no one offer money for gas anymore? and why do i feel greedy asking for money?

snow

2008-10-19T21:34:00.005-05:00

when this snowglobe settles...
You will be by my side,
pouring out Your Love;
and we will laugh at how far i've come,
how this man was built,
and how my hope and trust in You
has saved me from melting.

when this snowglobe settles...
my heart will rejoice in the Lamb,
the Saviour, the King;
as the snow falls to the ground,
You will never change
my solid Rock to trust in.

when this snowglobe settles...
and this trial has taken its toll,
what we do now
will prepare me for eternity.
lest we rush this work and compromise all the promise.
but if i am shaken again,
i will know in my heart
that GRACE will shape me
back into the man;
hope holding me together
belief flowing like blood through my heart,
lovingkindness protecting me from the cold.

when this snowglobe settles...
and this life has passed;
You will be there with open arms
saying, "welcome home"...

threads of life

2008-10-18T19:30:00.003-05:00

it's remarkable how God weaves so many different plot lines into one story.
hope and healing, grace and belief.

when alcohol speaks

2008-10-16T22:11:00.000-05:00

as sick as i am of talking about it, i've still got more to say.

i'm no leader, i'm just a mess

2008-10-14T21:09:00.003-05:00

grace - or God's unmerited favor/blessing because of belief in Jesus Christ - used to be so elusive in my life. i never thought God would bless me - i felt like i didn't deserve His blessing because i was a mess. i would try to get so holy and pure before God so that He would see i was a good little boy and thus bless me.
like when i liked this one chick, i would pray to God all respectful because that was His daughter and i was trying to holler. ha, yeah right, like i was a gentleman back then. God knew my heart and saw through my act.
i always tried to relate to God on the basis of my righteousness. like if i was good enough, if i prayed enough, if i attended church and bible study, if i fasted.... God would bless me! ha, yeah right, like works get us into Heaven! no way, maaaaaaaaan that's not the way it works:
God blesses us because He chooses to and there is no good deed or "work" we can do to earn MORE blessings (i guess the same is true about being blessed less) - it's all up to Him and its not performance-related.
last night i came to this realization: if God gave me the greatest blessing ever - eternal life in Christ Jesus - when i was a trainwreck and a rank sinner, why would He not want to bless me when i am trying to follow Him and He loves me? (see Romans 5!!!).
therefore my conclusion is although i am a mess and hurt those who love me so often, God is going to bless me whether i deserve it or not. and since now i try to follow Him, i know He will hook it up with awesomeness in the spiritual blessing realm. the same is true for you!

all this hit me like a train of bricks! grace... no longer elusive, exclusive, endangered... but real and tangible.

death & raviolis

2008-10-12T19:58:00.002-05:00

dinner snippets around the dede table over a delicious serving of raviolis:

-my grandfather was an army engineer stationed in oregon, therefore i will not be the first dede to go to oregon
-my grandfather had one _______ but still managed to have 2x kids!
-there are eighteen (18) burial plots left in the dede family burial plot at st. john's cemetery in brooklyn
-my grandparents got married on christmas eve, 1945

new york sack exchange

2008-10-12T17:22:00.002-05:00

perfect weather for a football game.
(j! e! t! s! jets jets jets)
the ol' heart almost acted up again with all the excitement.
(j! e! t! s! jets jets jets)